Miss Hyde

It’s amazing to me how soon I feel the difference in my mood, my perception of the world, my importance here, my happiness… my quality of life, how ALL of it is depending on if I’ve remembered to take my antidepressant everyday. The fact that my mood depends on something like medication is actually very scary to me. That I’m a shadow of the girl I used to be without it. That my inner world becomes manic, that I want to restrict and can rationalize going the full day without any food. I’m someone else completely.

Yesterday, for instance, I didn’t. I thought about it, but Michael and I were rushing to leave the house after a lazy morning. [Lame excuse.] We had plans to get some coffee together at one of our favorite cafes, get some errands done, spend the afternoon downtown (my favorite place). I normally take my Celexa with breakfast or a little after, but I put it off, and we watched a few episodes of The Office on Netflix. [Lame excuse.] Before I knew it, we were getting ready and running out the door for the day. A few hours later, I was listless emotionally. All sorts of awful things began spiraling inside my head. I started arguing with him over the dumbest of things. I played the ringleader of my own pity party all afternoon. The evening ended back at our condo, with me having a very morbid conversation with myself. Seriously? Over one tiny pill?

This morning started out the same way, but I made sure to pop it during breakfast. Within 15 minutes (placebo effect or not, I don’t know), I felt better. Celexa helps me keep my life in place. I don’t feel the need to binge. I don’t feel the need to exercise for 3 hours today. I feel calm and in control. And reading back over this, sound like a nutcase.

Anyway, some exciting news: I spoke with my parents this past week, after looping my desire to go on a trip with my Dad to see parts of the world (he’s been busy traveling with his old business associates for the better part of the last two years) and I have finally broken through! But better than that- my Mom is coming along, too. It’ll be the three of us together next month, to see Frankfurt, London, Paris for over a week. I’m still reeling from how surreal it sounds. I kept poking and prodding, trying to get my Dad to take me to at least Disney World again, but this tops it all. This will be my first time out of the country, friends. I’m beyond excited. Excited doesn’t even begin to explain it. Time to get a passport!

paris 2


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