Demons Inside

This day is dreary, hardly anything went right (you know the feeling)… it’s been almost one year since the final separation from my ex-husband. Anything I seem to be trying to do today ends with me back in the kitchen, pawing around for something to numb this out with. I can’t listen to any Christmas songs because they all bring back memories of him. I’m trying my best to escape it. All I knew to do was come here and write. Write until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Fight. Fight like that’s all you can do. Be present and let the tears flow. Just give it another day, another chance. Tomorrow, things will be better. There’s nothing in this house… in this world that would take the hunger of your pain away. You have therapy tomorrow, remember? Do you really want to show up to Heidi’s door, knowing you have another shortcoming to confess? Fight like a warrior. The only way you can fully move on from this, from him, from all of it is when you give yourself permission to. Permission to break the video playback in your head of any happy times you’ve had. Let them rest. Be kind to yourself. Don’t spoon up more self suicide. You crave more than saccharine sweet. You couldn’t make him love you. Another five pounds lost weren’t going to turn his attention from his addictions to give you the affection you longed for everyday. This hurt you feel? It stems from the day you finally put yourself first. You’ve always been that girl, standing in the shadows, hiding her true feelings for the sake of not rocking the boat. You always let everyone else have their way. You just didn’t want to be alone. Not again. Realize that you are now surrounded by people who’ve loved you since the beginning; their love is unconditional: they love you even when it’s inconvenient. Hold on to these people. Love them with every single part of you that you have left. Let them see you in the shadows, where the broken parts of you reside. Let them help you heal yourself. Let them show you what good you can bring to your life, to this world. There’s more in you than you can imagine.

Just breathe.

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