Inside the Act

I pride myself and make it a point to be completely translucent with you guys, to keep this blog raw and real and honest. I have good days, bad days, days that feel and look gray, and in the rare occasion, far flung to either extreme. I will never be fluffy like rainbows and ponies (though I like both); it simply isn’t relatable or human.

I am starting to better embrace this Binge Eating Disorder for what it is: a disorder. I am becoming more aware of my triggers, my strategies for coping outside of food, common scenarios and environments that lead me to or away from a potential binge, and I’ve run the gamut of emotions pre, during, and post-binge. I’ve felt them all. I easily make friends with those who are genuinely battling BED or EDs of any kind, simply because they all stem from one common truth: I am not enough/I am incapable. We are trying to fix the past or get back at people by eating them away. These episodes can last between 5 minutes or even days on end. I normally stop myself mid-binge, about 10-15 minutes in.

Many people have asked me to go through, in detail, how exactly a binge feels and looks. What society needs to understand is that those of us with diagnosable eating disorders, especially BED, aren’t just “lazy people who eat a garbage diet and are unaware of their problems and don’t know how bad they need to reign it back in/lose weight/get their shit together, already, please.” Thinking that way is just arrogance and ignorance exemplified. If you know of someone in your life with BED, this could easily be a play-by-play of an episode they deal with… This was sometime in September.

The stress is overwhelming today. I couldn’t sleep at all last night, my mind was racing with anxiety. I absolutely loath that I have to go to school today and act normal. It’s a serious act that I have to get out of bed in the first place. I could easily sleep for 12 hours or more day. Shit. It’s already 7:40?! I’m already late.

Ok. Breakfast. I’m going to be good today. I will stick with some fruit and maybe some egg whites. Good god, my stomach looks so huge today. Why is he even dating me? I look terrible. What does he even see in me? He deserves so much better. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s thinking of other women.

Okay, some fruit it is. Driving to school now and I simply don’t want to even leave home. I don’t want anyone to see me, to even acknowledge that I exist. I want to be back in bed. Back in bed after I finish my workout today. What was I planning to do, again? Oh, right. I have about 1,200 calories to burn off today.

Am I really up for running 12 miles or doing cardio for over 2 hours? I have to.

I can’t even focus in my French class. Why am I even here? I hate that I have to sit next to that gorgeous, thin girl. She’s never had a fat day in her life. Her waist is easily the circumference of my thigh. Life for her is so much better.

I will never catch up in this class. I am so overwhelmed by the amount of studying and homework I have to do, not just in this class, but the other 5 I’m also taking. Why the $)@k am I even enrolled this semester? Forget this, I can’t do this today. I need a break. I’m going back home.

I make sure not to look in the mirror. I can’t possibly face what I’ve done to myself.

I’m just going to lie down for a while and read some magazines, take it easy. I’ll workout in a while…

It’s already 1pm?! I still need to get some work done and get that run/workout in. Man, I don’t even have time now. I don’t want to run that much. Maybe I’ll just take today off and do two 7-mile runs tomorrow. I don’t have school tomorrow, anyway, so I’ll have more time.

Hungry. Stressed out. I’m going to get a snack. I wonder when he’ll be home tonight. I wish he was already here. God, I am so alone. I really shouldn’t eat anymore today. I need to get this weight off as soon as possible. Once I do, my life will start again. I wish I wasn’t scared to throw up. I wish I didn’t like food to much.

Oatmeal. I’ll just have a little bit. Ahh, comforting. I’m not satisfied. This has been a horrible day, I can’t do anything right. I’m so overwhelmed with school, with weight loss, with life. More oatmeal…a lotmore. I deserve this. I need this. Okay, now adding handfuls of almonds, almond milk, and spoonfuls of honey. I can’t possibly eat this fast enough. What if he were to come home and catch me?

Oatmeal’s gone. I think he recently bought some new bread. Oh, there it is. I shouldn’t do this. Screw it, I’m doing it, anyway. Where’s the butter? Jam? Found them. And the leftover pasta from last night. Oh, look! Sliced fruit salad… My hands are trembling. I have tunnel-vision. I neeeeeed my fix.

I’m halfway through my giant bowl of food, my stomach is simply killing me, but I can. Not. Stop.

God, I can’t believe how much exercise I’ll have to do tomorrow to make this up. Writing it down in my food journal tomorrow. I’m going to keep my calorie intake to 600 tops. I gotta get this weight off.

I am so stuffed, nauseous, and bloated. Why the hell did I just do that? I’m going to try to purge, anyway. I have to get some of this out.

I am worthless. Why can’t I stop?

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2 thoughts on “Inside the Act

  1. Yes. A million times yes, that’s it. I wrote those words over and over again…for over 30 years. I wasted my life in the obsession of it all. Hope you break through.

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