Ton of Bricks

Today, I’m carrying a heavy heart that’s weighing on me, aching every inch of my body. I’m teetering between getting it out or allowing it to fester, while I’m silently suffering. I can’t sit still today, my mind and pulse are racing, but the livelihood from my face has melted into somber, dull, lifeless, and gray. I must write.

These days, fortunately, don’t occur as often as they did earlier this year. When you contacted me, my heart shattered into a million, unfixable pieces. The divorce and everything it meant was suddenly hitting me like a cement wall and I seemed to drown a little more every day. When I’m at my weakest moments, I’m fragile and vulnerable, thinking solely on the few good moments we had, the times you were delicate and sweet, took our marriage vows seriously. I carry out my life in pieces, too, unable to be present at anytime, fully enjoy anything, simply because I don’t feel like I deserve to. This weight struggle of mine has been eating me alive, subconsciously, because I’m wanting to follow ruthless and dangerous actions to lose, gain, and lose again to be the weight I was on our wedding day. Whenever I think about this, my stomach is sick in twisted knots. Why am I perpetuating this? Why am I seeking to keep you here, or the part of me I was when I was happy with you? I wonder all the time how long it will take to fully heal from the broken promises, to break your suspension in my thoughts, to feel like myself again, and free from you. I am selfish and unaware, unable to contemplate or fully appreciate how good I have it these days in terms of love. I stumbled across a man who deserves the world, and the best this girl has yet to be able to give him is a collection of memories, doing her best with what she has now. She doesn’t have that much to give and most days, she feels inevitably empty. I have big dreams of remarrying again someday, hopefully to this man, but am terrified of what that step would mean. Am I meant to be neglected all of my life? How can I trust myself with someone again?

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