Release Me

Ever notice how those who don’t make a damn issue out of food are the ones who never have to deal with weight issues?

We all know plenty of these people. At least, I do. They don’t obsess over calories, how many more miles they’ll have to spend running to burn off last night’s dessert, or spend time pinching extra inches in the mirror. They look fantastic in clothes, but yet maintain their sanity as well. They indulge in cheesecake when they want it and stop when they are satisfied, whether that’s the entire slice… or just 2 bites. The only time they think of food is when they have the physical symptoms of hunger: rumbling bellies, slight lightheadedness, and a small lack of energy.

Every day, I’m trying to get to that head space where I feel “healthy” about food and what it provides for me, not what I can afford to miss out in life because of food. I don’t want want to spend this whole weekend, celebrating 8 months with my Michael, thinking about all the time I’ll have to spend exercising in order to reverse the calorie damage I’ll be doing. I want to have enough self-control to put down the fork already when I am already full. I want to stick up for myself enough to ask to have dressing on the side, have my chicken prepared without butter, choose extra steamed veggies instead of a massive heaping of mashed potatoes and/or french fries.

Food. Those of us struggling to take off the pounds and beat this war once and for all know the pattern: we think about food, we eat too much of it, we spend time planning our next meal during our current one, we worry about burning it off, we overindulge, we restrict again, we’re constantly getting off and on that damn wagon, mentally beat ourselves up about it, and start all over with it… again. We are all about this self-imposed imprisonment. We have trouble relating to other people if they aren’t somewhere in this cycle, too. What else could we actually talk about and care about?

Sad that we create these problems for ourselves. Inside, there’s an aching, nagging feeling that we don’t truly believe we can take the weight off for good, that we deserve to take care of ourselves, that we can end this once and for all. We are seeking revenge with people from the past that have hurt us (perceived hurt) and battle them with spoons in our mouths.

I’ve got to learn to break up with this cycle. The last thing I want to think about when I’m old is how I let so many opportunities pass me by simply because I was so preoccupied with my weight war. That’s one type of regret I could never get over.

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