Something that I’m loving with the Beachbody Ultimate Reset is that it’s made me face issues that I have with food: how to manipulate it, how to get away with eating more (in volume and frequency), and why I use it to cope with difficult emotions (aka life).
Such is the case for yesterday, especially. Sunday night approached and Michael was busily working at his computer, starting his college dissertation for graduation. I was across from him at the table, working from my iPad. Thoughts of the week ahead crept into my mind and I began to stress. The week had been difficult and really tested my discipline. A vegan diet will do that to ya! Even the healthy food fiend that I am, I was getting
tired exhausted from eating ONLY fruits and veggies (with little protein) all week. I was also stressed from the approaching work week, deadlines, and wanting to exercise like I’m so used to. Dinner time was approaching and I wasn’t prepared with a meal ready to go at his place. Unpreparedness and I don’t mix at all. Throw stress of anything also into the blender and out pours an awful mix of crud that turns usually into emotional eating of some sort. I make lame excuses for bad choices.
I didn’t have the veggies I’d need for my meal on hand and didn’t feel like making the trip to the store. A hunger for carbohydrates and something extremely satisfying lead me to have us prepare pasta for dinner. It would’ve been one thing if I had a small portion WITH a big side of fruit. But no, I went in full force and ate an entire bowl (1/2 the package) of pasta in butternut squash pasta sauce. Delish, yes. On plan, no.
A very full stomach and a half hour later, I’m sitting with bloat and guilt comes to crash the party. Again.
The night ends and I’m on my way back home. The awful voice in my head reminds me that I’ve blown the plan and might as well continue on and get back on track tomorrow. Fast forward 10 minutes and I’m standing in line at Walmart, buying a mini-cheesecake (oh, Lord, I wish I were kidding) and a small package of birthday candles to help cover the fact that I’m about to binge. Honestly, who was I fooling? Another dollar spent to make myself feel sorta better about my choice. The next 20 minutes, I sat in my car, cried, and ate 4 different types of cheesecake from the small tin.
Vigilant Dieter looks on the back nutritional label to find that I have no crammed 2,200 calories (and mounds of sugar) into my stomach. I then drove back to my apartment with sticky, chocolate-covered fingers and an awful stomach ache. So damn delicious but not worth the baggage later. No, sir.
I rely heavily on the comfort and advice from my closest friends during times like these, and luckily for me, I’m now with a guy that doesn’t turn and run when I want to discuss my awful/wacky/horrendous food issues. It’s just part of the package, I guess, and something for us both to tackle together, as a team. I can’t do this alone. Michael wants to actually understand my problems, my triggers, and help me avoid bad situations in the first place. Knowing somewhat what I’ve been through, what I continue to struggle with, he embraces that and embraces me. Sure, he doesn’t get it at first (and won’t understand it fully, having been fit and thin his whole life), but the interest is there. I truly am so lucky.
I barely slept last night. I considered several times, trying to purge out the cheesecake, but that’s one thing I hate worse that a binge habit: throwing up. I was stuck with all 2,200 calories and would face them in the morning. I woke up, puffy faced and body and decided right then that I had to get my crap together and move on. Perhaps I bought those candles for the short pity-party I threw for myself. Party’s over, guys. This girl’s back on track. I spent 3 hours preparing my meals for the next 3 days and my fridge has all the evidence of that. 3 hours to be successful for the next 3 full days? Worth it indefinitely. I am stronger than one night of weakness. 13 successful, great days prior is what I needed to remember to help me today. Here we go. Last week of the Beachbody Ultimate Reset and I’ll be a victor.