I’m breaking free.
I’m breaking free of other’s opinions of me and how I live my life. I’m breaking free of the toxic relationships that have held me back from all the possibilities of my future. I’m breaking free of past ideas I had about different activities, ways to live life, decisions to make, and foods to eat. I’m exhausted by the weight of opinions that many people have slung onto my back, never once thinking about how I felt about my divorce. I don’t want to be held down by the judgements of others, who simply seek to bring me down. Quit raining, ’cause this parade runs the streets 365 days a year, baby. And I’m not stopping now.
There are so many people from my past who have, unsolitedly, told me flat out that I should’ve stayed with my ex husband, had 6.4 children, and stayed home to care for them 24/7. And while that might be the perfect life for thousands of other women… it’s probably not for me. And who’s to make that decision… BUT ME? Why do I need to stick around to play second fiddle to a damn computer and Xbox games? Why can’t I move on to find someone who will perhaps, oh, I don’t know, spend time with me? Why is there a double standard here- when a man moves on and divorces his wife, it’s a sad event but seen as responsible; when a woman steps up and does it, she’s seen as a home-wrecker and heart-breaker? Who can really make that call, but me?
I am just starting to get used to the idea that I’m a strong, capable, and independent woman. I may be only 23, but I’m running my own fitness business from home, providing for myself, and doing it all on my own. I’m standing on my own two feet (shadowed by four little furry ones) and I have this incredible opportunity to prove it to myself (and my family) that I can do this, even this young. I guess I’m crazy enough to believe that I’m worth more and deserve more than to just be a walking vagina (sorry to offend). I have potential to help change the world and reach out to people who are in need. I’m making a living for myself and holding my own. I’m making a name for myself. I am surrounding myself with new friends who share my same ideals and am creating new experiences. I am paying the bills, getting it done, and having a laugh. I’m having a life.
My relationship with “G” is progressing, and while I’m falling fast for him, I am still keeping a hovering foot safely above the break pedal. I want to make sure that I feel 100% comfortable with a new relationship. But so far, I’ve never felt happier or more respected in my life. I finally feel like a lady. And who could dare to argue with that? How is THAT wrong? We do everything together these days; I am with him every weekend, all weekend long, and we never let a full day pass during the week. No one has ever made me laugh the way he does or makes me feel so comfortable to open up and share my weaknesses. He understands fully that I’m not looking for a husband and there’s absolutely no rush for that (been there, done that). I’m looking for more. I’m looking for a companion, a best friend, and a lover. I’m looking for my right hand. I don’t know if I believe fully in “soul mates” but if there was, dare I say it, “G” is it. He’s not a perfect person, but pretty damn near in my eyes. He makes me want to be my very best self. He makes me want to constantly better myself physically, emotionally, artistically, creatively, intellectually, and culturally. There’s never a dull moment when we are together and I’ve never felt this sense of intense peace. I’ve never had to wonder once if it’s right. I know the timing may not be perfect in someone else’s eyes (I couldn’t exactly pick that or control it), but it’s perfect to me. We’re fine taking our time.
This month is all about transformation and trying new things- things that I never would’ve tried before: belly dancing, pole fitness classes, learning Polish (“G” is teaching me), snow-shoeing, aerial yoga, and going Vegan for a full week. I’m opening my heart and mind to new things because that is when I feel the most like myself. Who can argue with that?