With the exception of about 5 boxes full of books, DVDs, and odds and ends, I’m nearly done living in that moved-in phase. I set up my online banking, paid my power and Comcast bills and sat down to write out this week’s budget and last week’s expenditures. (I can’t go without saying that I owe this newfound sense of responsible living to Chris. He made me appreciate that dreaded B word (budget), and because of that, we never had any debt whatsoever and paid off his car in 18 months of being married. We had enough for some of the things we wanted, but didn’t go haywire with shopping trips. Thank you, Chris. I hope I was the spunky, fun, spontaneous to your responsible, orderly bit.)
I pulled out the first notebook I could find and flipped it open to find one of our doodling pages back from the days when I attended church with him. Being the flirtacious, innocent kind, we doodled hearts like teenagers; I’d scribble in his last name after my first, mostly to see how it’d look together and see his reaction. This page must’ve been from our dating days or perhaps freshly engaged. In that moment, you hope and pray everything will work out with this person forever. I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss that side of him- that side who was willing to play along with me, be carefree (at least for a little while) and not take life so seriously. I was young and naive. I wanted him to be things that he wasn’t and never would be. You’ve all heard that cliche- “I want to be with someone who loves me for everything I am,” but how often do you truly find that in life? Or are we spending a lot of time putting this false pretenses on other people, always ending up discouraged because we keep getting shorthanded and living in insecurity? The only person we can change is ourselves. When we become so wholy immersed in exactly what we love to do, who we are (without exception), that right person will show up because they are doing the exact same thing. There’s no trying. There’s no anxiety. It just flows.
My lesson hit a little harder today with bills being paid, keeping house in my new apartment, managing and building my business, and growing even deeper into the woman I want to be. You can’t change someone into what you wish/hope they’d be for you. They can only ever change themselves, and even then, it needs to come from an internal, organic source and not because they are pressured to fit in, to fit the mold and standard you’ve set for them. We’ve both grown tremendously in the past 3 years and I owe so much of my maturity to the experiences we’ve been through together. I know good things are waiting for both of us out there; it’s just in taking the reigns and not sitting back, idling. My hands are now wide open but I’m not waiting anymore- I’m running ahead.