I, like most people, am my harshest critic. I can internally beat myself up over things that I wouldn’t dare about other people.
Sometimes, I don’t catch myself and stop the abuse before it gets going. It can happen over the smallest of things: not committing to my workout ’til later in the day (I’m naturally and habitually a morning exerciser. If I make stupid excuses to push it ’til a later time or if I have something else legitimately planned in place of it, the tirade can begin) being a huge one; not preparing well enough beforehand before going on a long day out, out of town, or even to an unfamiliar resturant, all of which I don’t have much control; small, normal fluctuations on the scale (damn you, stupid metal box. You can’t place value on me) and wondering what I did wrong. Those types of things can trigger serious “Ugly/Fat” pity parties in my head, which tempt me to give up on the path I’m on.
These instances can set in place a long internal pity party and I start spiraling, mentally, out of control. I can miss one workout and suddenly fear those 72 pounds will suddenly attach to my body. I’m afraid that I’ll wake up one day, and this size 4-6 existance will somehow have been all just a wonderful dream, that it can’t possibly last for long.
I know that I put too much pressure on myself, as most people do. I have to realize that someone isn’t constantly scanning my figure, looking for new traces of fat or cellulite. I know people aren’t condemning me for going over my calories by a hundred or so or critisize me if I mess up at a resturant.
I want to get to a place where I can be easier on myself and not have an “all or nothing” attitude about fitness and nutrition. I want to get to place where I can long to exercise just as a way to clear my head, for fun, and for socializing… not just a way to keep those damn pounds and ounces from creeping up. I want to have a good look in the mirror and be happy with myself at first glance, instead of quickly finding faults and things to “fix.” I don’t want to live in a constant state of striving for perfection that I lose all sight of the amazing things I already am and have done in my life. I want to be able to look in the mirror, and smile, and be happy with what I see and who I am.
I realize that I’m a lot less self-critical when I spend less time looking at magazines, constantly bombarded by retouched pictures of the “ideal” look for women. I realize that I’m a lot less judgemental of myself when I’m striving for a new race time goal, finishing another challenging Asylum workout, or when I’m able to heavy up to a new set of weights for P90X. Those are the things that make me happy and keep me going. Those are the things that make me want to workout. Those are things that make me want to continue these habits on for a lifetime.
I’m going to stress less about what I don’t like, and magnify the things that I do like. Life’s too short not to be confident with who you are.